​XIX An Example of how our Choice of Response shapes our life

An Example of how 'Who we choose to be' in response to situations, shapes our life

My husband and I had an ugly fight in Oct 2019. In that fight, my hand got fractured.
 
To help you understand the distinction between the 5 choices we have, here's an example of the 4 choices I could have made in response to my fractured arm, the choice I made and the possible outcome of each choice:
 
i. j as a Victim after her fractured arm:

Surrenders. Blind faith that things will work out. Continues to stay in the relationship; silently suffering; pushing sadness, pain, resentment under the carpet at the continuing disrespect of her as a wife, a mother and a daughter-in-law.

Goes deeper and deeper into Vipassana but it helps on the surface. She steps into spiritual arrogance, feeling and preaching that she has arrived because she has a strong spiritual practice, which unfortunately doesn’t touch her heart. Erases all pain from her consciousness and pushes it many layers deeper. That gives her a false sense of confidence that she has gone beyond pain.

Hidden anger against her father without even being present to it.

Losing power to run her business, getting disconnected from herself. Becomes a preacher instead of a coach.

Living life feeling as if she has found peace, not realising what she has is only the icing on the cow dung cake.
 
ii. j as a Fighter after her fractured arm:

How dare he? I am not going to take this. Continuously vomiting her anger, resentment, bitterness, rage on others. Hires a lawyer, drags her husband to the court, fights custody battle for kids and monthly maintenance for the amount more than what her husband can afford and wins the long drawn legal battle over years, which neither fulfils her nor gives her access to authentic happiness.

Builds her business by working 18 hours a day without realising workaholism and hard work is her way to not feel the emptiness and pain of her life, motivates others to become bigger Fighters, fights for women rights and wins laurels for it but unfortunately creates more pain against women in the world because what you fight grows.

Creates wealth, goes on foreign holidays, gets covered in newspapers, has 10,000 connections on LinkedIn, attends networking events, binge-eats, drinks alcohol, sometimes does drugs, smokes, has multiple affairs - all this to fill the void within. Nothing fulfils, nothing brings peace and happiness, she becomes more and more zombie like with every passing minute, a lost soul.

Becomes a motivational speaker instead of a Coach. People feel good when they are in her seminar but go back to living their empty lives as they step out of the seminar hall. Her work gets limelight and camera time, but doesn’t really create any impact.

Dies alone and angry, angry at herself, at God, at her life; never experiencing peace, love or joy.
 
 
iii. j as a Rescuer after her fractured arm:
 
She ignores her own pain and throws herself into "helping" others, believing she is the only one who can save them. She gives her time, energy, and resources freely, often at the cost of her own well-being. She sees herself as the noble saviour, but deep down, she is terrified of facing her own wounds.

She spends hours comforting others, giving advice, and fixing their problems—even when they don’t ask for it. She takes on the burdens of her children, sisters, parents, friends, team members, coachees and mentees, believing their happiness depends on her. She stays in the relationship with her husband, because she does not have the courage to walk out and live on her own.

She builds a business around healing, coaching and helping others but overextends herself. She refuses to set boundaries and burns out. She seeks validation from those she helps, hoping their gratitude will fill the void inside her.

Despite her efforts, she becomes resentful when others don’t appreciate her sacrifices. She wonders, “After everything I’ve done, why are they not grateful to me?” Her need to rescue keeps those around her weak and dependent, ensuring they never truly step into their own power.

Her business thrives externally but crumbles internally—her team and her coachees rely on her too much, and she micromanages everything. She mistakes control for love.

Eventually, she realises she is drowning in exhaustion, feeling unseen, unheard, and unfulfilled. She is still in pain, but now it is hidden under layers of giving, fixing, and rescuing.

She suppresses her own pain by taking care of everyone else. She tells herself, “They need me. I have to be strong.” She gains a sense of importance by being needed but avoids facing the deep sadness and betrayal she feels. She overextends herself in helping family, friends, colleagues, coachees, mentees, and even strangers, believing she is being compassionate. But beneath this “service” is a desperate attempt to avoid confronting the emptiness within.

She becomes the go-to person for everyone’s problems, offering advice and solutions, yet never allowing herself to be vulnerable. If someone asks about her well-being, she brushes it off with “I’m fine.”.

In her business, she shifts from coaching to hand-holding, rescuing coachees instead of empowering them. She feels burnt out but keeps going because slowing down would mean facing her own wounds.

Eventually, resentment builds. She secretly feels unappreciated and exhausted, but instead of expressing it, she works harder, hoping one day, someone will see her efforts and care for her the way she cares for others. But that day never comes.

She numbs her pain through over-giving, self-sacrifice, and pretending she is fulfilled, until she breaks down, feeling unseen and unloved.
 
iv. j as a Avoider after her fractured arm:
 
She distracts herself from her pain. She tells herself, “It’s fine. Everything will work out,” but avoids looking at reality. She pretends nothing is wrong and continues to stay in the relationship than face the ugly truth of her reality.

Instead of dealing with her emotions, she immerses herself in distractions— reading, yoga, karate, golf, coaching, vipassana, Hindustani classical, learning more and more. She keeps herself busy, always doing something, but never addressing the deeper issues. She becomes overly positive, using toxic positivity to deny her pain: “Everything happens for a reason,” she says, while ignoring the growing unease in her heart.

She stays in the relationship, convincing herself that it’s not “that bad.” She avoids difficult conversations, choosing silence over confrontation. She keeps her head down, hoping the storm will pass.

At work, she avoids making tough decisions. She procrastinates and keeps pushing important matters aside. She doesn’t rock the boat, hoping problems will solve by themselves.

Physically, she experiences random aches, exhaustion, or illness—but brushes them off. Emotionally, she feels disconnected. She feels distant from herself, her family, and her purpose.

She distances herself from her pain by throwing herself into distractions. She convinces herself, “It’s not a big deal. I’ll just focus on other things.” Instead of processing the betrayal and emotional abandonment, she buries herself in work, her various interests, signing up for back-to-back courses, and spiritual retreats.

She tells herself she is “moving on” while carefully avoiding any situation that might stir up her emotions. If someone asks her how she fractured her arm, she changes the topic or makes a joke. If sadness creeps in, she immediately finds something to do.

She leans deeper into spirituality attending Vipassana meditation retreats twice a year, reading self-help books, yoga, Karate, Hindustani Classical, piano, but only as an escape rather than a tool for true healing. She intellectualises pain, analysing it rather than feeling it. She adopts a false sense of peace, convincing herself that she is above suffering.

In her business, she becomes hyper-focused on systems and strategies, avoiding deep coaching conversations where emotions might surface. She tells herself she is being “professional,” but in truth, she fears emotional vulnerability.

Over time, she feels a growing emptiness. Despite all the distractions, the pain lingers beneath the surface. No matter how many new hobbies, learning programs she pursues and meditation retreats she attends, she can’t shake the feeling that something is missing.

Eventually, life forces her to face the truth, but by then, the damage is done. She realises she has lost years avoiding pain instead of transforming it. She has built a life of avoidance - living, but never fully feeling.
 
 
v. j as a Peaceful Warrior after her fractured arm:
She nurses her bruised arm, feeling the intensely excruciating pain as the orthopaedic doctor turns the dislocated bone back into position without anaesthesia, feeling the anguished betrayal of her kids and husband as she is alone in her room on the first floor hearing laughter drifting from the ground floor party that her in-laws are hosting for the extended family within 2 weeks of the incident.
 
She is clear in her heart it’s not her fault though she is responsible for everything that happens in her life. She finds the courage with the support of her therapist to walk out of her home 3 months after the incident in honour of her feelings of pain and betrayal. With that she steps up to Gear 1.

She has done a lot of inner work up until then. She now amplifies that 100 times. Signs up for therapy which leads her into Psychodrama. She sets up her new home, one room in a flat with two other flatmates, with one functional hand. Invests heavily in Craft Mastery while her journey of pain strengthens her Leadership Depth because she chooses to process her pain, both of which create a strong foundation for Business Excellence.

It’s as if the whole Universe has come together to support her to be who she is meant to be - her pre-fracture 4:00 am yoga teacher agrees for 2:45 am and 3 pm Karate together become the anchors for her to create an effortless Daily Rhythm of Growth Habits giving her access to Unconditional Happiness (Akaran Khushi) that she has never experienced before.

Strangers suddenly walk into her life to give her a leg up to the next orbit - Bob Burg, Bob Chapman, Herb Propper, Puneeta, mindfulness training from Thich Nhat Hanh Monks from Plum Village.

Business begins to grow effortlessly of its own accord. Actually, it feels effortless and of its own accord but it’s the coming together of her being in purposeful action over the last 10 years, irrespective of the chaos inside or outside.
 
She steps up to two Vipassana Silence Meditation Retreats of 10 days a year. It’s Covid time. Therefore, she takes support from her mother to do the 10-day silence meditation program on her own at home twice. During June 2021 10-day Vipassana at home after one and half years of massive inner work, she finds forgiveness in her heart for herself and her husband. Inside of that, she invites her husband to recreate the relationship and rebuild the family. Both the kids are brutally traumatised because of the incident and the separation of their parents; and need support of both the parents for their healing. She is finally ready to be a channel of healing for her family.

She steps into Gratitude (Gear 2) and makes the choice to be Childlike Trust and Faith (Gear 3), that leads her to honour her word to be Love with the Integrity she has never experienced before (Gear 4), that leads her to be a channel of her work. She becomes her work. Her work becomes her. Instead of talking about Love and intellectually coaching about being Love, she becomes Love and that grows her business exponentially.

She becomes Unconditional Love and Acceptance; with so much love flowing in her heart to embrace the whole world, and that includes her husband. With that, the pain is fully dissolved. With her continued focus on massive inner work, she accesses pain even from beyond her lifetime – trans-generational pain and pain from previous lifetimes. She processes and dissolves that pain, as well.
 
She and her husband rediscover the warmth and joy of their best friendship. Kids heal, flourish and blossom. She finds a deeper connection with her parents, finding a way to integrate them in her life by eating lunch together almost daily. She becomes loving, nurturing and caring out of joy and freedom, not as a duty and a burdensome responsibility.

She feels whole and complete, without the neediness for her work to give her purpose, meaning or wealth; without feeling the need of anyone or anything to fill the void because the void is filled up with Love, making her feel joyfully Free.

She makes a massive difference, though nobody  knows who she is. She is simply wind beneath the wings, invisible, silent, a loving, nurturing joyous empty space. (Gear 5)