How to Be Happy and What Does It Have to do with Your Effectiveness?

My American Boss at Amex told us a very interesting story from his life, that I still remember. I am  so deeply impacted by the profoundness of it, even after 10 years, that have probably narrated it 100 times to my clients and ​​even to my kids. I am going to share this story with you today because in it lies the answer to the question - How to Be Happy? 

In all my years of coaching and being coached, the only answer that I found to the question - How to be happy? - is in being able to love. I have discovered that the real question isn't what can I do to be happy. The real question is what can I do to love more expansively - love myself; love my work; increase the depth of my love for my spouse, kids, parents, sisters, friends; feel loving kindness towards all fellow beings at home, at work, everywhere. In strengthening our hearts and increasing our capacity to love gives us the only access to happiness that there is. There is no other way to find happiness. Find love within yourself and you will experience happiness in that moment.

So, how do you love? That's where Brian's story comes in. He belongs to a family of devout Christians. At 16 years of age, he goes to the community church to spend his summer vacation to serve under the Father he adores and admires. He gets to share his room with another 16-year old, John. Brian is most displeased with John and complains to Father - "Father, John is the dirtiest boy that I have ever met. He smells because he doesn't take a bath, neither does he change his clothes. He throws the banana peels on the floor, doesn't make his bed, keeps chewing gum the whole day and sticks them to his bed after he is done chewing. Please, can I have another room-mate?"

Father gives a long kindly look to the 16-year old Brian and replies - "Brian, will you do what I tell you?"

"Of course, Father"

"Will you make John's bed everyday and throw the peels in the dustbin?"

Brian hesitates but his love and reverence for the Father wins over his distaste for what he was asking him to do. "Yes, Father. I will do it, if you say so."

After a week, Father comes looking around for Brian and asks him - "How are things with John, Brian?"

"A little better, perhaps. I would still love it if you would change my room-mate, Father. I can't sleep because he smells so bad. He doesn't even brush his teeth. The old chewed gums have nearly covered the whole bed side."

"Will you do what I ask you to do, Brian?"

"Yes, Father."

"Will you ensure John brushes his teeth and takes a bath every day? Would you remove the old chewed gums from his bedside and wash his clothes daily, Brian?" 

A long silence but love and admiration for Father is so strong that Brian acquiesces, though half-heartedly. 

Three weeks later, Father comes around looking for Brian to find him happier than he ever has seen him since the month started. "How are things with John, Brian?"

Brian beams, "Oh Father, we have become such good friends."

You may have discovered the answer to the question. Yes, the only access to experience love is to be of service.

In all her wisdom, Nature created babies to be helpless beings; unable to take care of themselves. Parents have to feed them, bathe them, clean them when they mess-up their nappies, teach them and so much more. That is why parents love their babies so immensely. That is why it is important for the father as well as the mother to be fully engaged in taking care of the baby because the baby needs love from both parents. Have you noticed that as the kids become more self-sufficient and we are less of service to them, the quality of our love is not as powerfully deep as when they were helpless little babies, totally dependent on us to take care of them? It takes all our leadership depth to keep the love going strong and keep the anger, resentment, irritation, upset at bay :-)

You must have figured the answer to the questions we raised in the beginning of our conversation:
What can I do to love more expansively? 
a. Love myself - be of service to yourself by nurturing and nourishing yourself.
b. Love my work - be of service to your customer community.
c. Increase the depth of my love for my spouse, kids, parents, sisters, friends - be of greater service to them. 
d. Feel loving kindness towards all fellow beings at home, at work, everywhere - In our culture, we have 2 powerful words - Daan and Seva. Daan means to give away part of your wealth for the well-being of the communities you are a part of. Seva means to be of service to the communities that you belong to. Interestingly, various cultures around the world have the spiritual practice of tithing - which is giving away one-tenth of your income as an offering to God or for the works of mercy.

How beautiful it is that we have no dependency on anyone or anything outside of ourselves to be happy. All we need is to be in the act of being of service and in that very instant, love spreads through our body and we experience happiness.

It is a well-researched fact that being happy expands our mind while being in the grip of negative emotions (anger, upset, frustration, irritation, resentment, hopelessness, resignation, cynicism, sadness, boredom, lethargic etc.) shuts down our mind. When would you be more effective? When would you have greater access to your inner creativity and ability to innovate solutions that make a difference? When would you be more productive? When would you deliver better performance? When your mind expands or when it is shut down?

Wishing you the joy of the journey to connect to your Higher Purpose, to live from there and making the choice to be happy moment-by-moment.

Love and reverence,
​Jyoti.