Why Losing is a Milestone on the Way to Success?

Learning is the only way forward to success. No true learning happens when you are successful because then, you don't feel the need to. Its only when you are down and out, and as yet have the commitment to keep walking the path to create what you want to create that you will dig deep inside to figure out what is missing.

'What is missing?' is a powerful question that leads to an inner and outer search, a fundamental pre-requisite to enormous learning. The opportunity of this question is not available to us in the moments of success.

Raising kids is a phenomenal practise in understanding human beings and creating awareness about our own selves. Both my kids played so badly in their recent golf tournament that they were thoroughly embarrassed. Both of them curled up on their bed, having lost all their appetite and having some body ache or the other. I could have sympathised and participated in their self-pity and blamed the course or whatever external circumstance that was there; after all they had played for 5 hours in the rain and then in the scorching heat that followed almost immediately. 

To release them from the experiential trap of 'failure', I invited them to dig for the Diamond Medal available only if you fail. They weren't interested. Finally, the younger one got curious. I shared a note from my journal for him to release the limiting energy of 'not being good enough' from his body.

"I am not sourced in love at the moment. That means I am sourced in Fear.
 
Fear of failing, fear of being laughed at, fear of being ignored, fear of not being respected, fear of not being loved, fear of not being good enough to be loved, fear of a wasted life, fear of being insignificant, fear of not amounting to much, fear of not having it all, fear of not having a deeply fulfilling career and not having loving harmonious relationships with my spouse, parents-in-law, sisters, parents and not having happy responsible kids and not having nourishing nurturing me-time, fear of being disrespected, ignored and unloved by my kids, fear of failing as a coach, as a mother, as a wife, as a daughter, as an entrepreneur, fear of not creating anything from <Company X>, fear of messing up at <Company X>, fear of giving and not receiving, fear of everything I stand for of no value, fear of being a failure in golf, fear of my kids failing in life, fear of my marriage failing inspite of all the struggle of 17 years to continue to hold on to it, fear of divorce, fear of the impact of divorce on the kids, fear of ridicule, fear of humiliation, fear of poverty, fear of losing everything.
 
I embrace all my fears. I welcome failing. I welcome being laughed at. I welcome being ignored. I welcome being disrespected. I welcome not being loved. I welcome not being good enough. I welcome a wasted life. I welcome being insignificant. I welcome not amounting to much. I welcome not having it all. I welcome not having a deeply fulfilling career and not having loving harmonious relationships with my spouse & everyone else and not having happy responsible kids with their genius fully expressed and not having nurturing nourishing me-time. I welcome being disrespected, ignored and unloved by my kids. I welcome failing as a coach, as a mother, as a wife, as a daughter, as an entrepreneur. I welcome not creating anything from <Company X>. I welcome massively messing up at <Company X>. I welcome giving and not receiving. I welcome everything I stand for being of no value, I welcome being a failure in golf. I welcome my kids failing in life. I welcome my marriage failing inspite of all the struggle of 17 years to continue to hold on to it. I welcome divorce. I welcome the impact of divorce on the kids. I welcome ridicule. I welcome humiliation. I welcome poverty. I welcome losing everything.
 
In that welcoming, I love myself the way I am and the way I am not. I have nothing to prove and nowhere to go to earn my own love for myself. I have nothing to prove and nowhere to go to prove to myself I am good enough. I am enough. I am complete. I have nothing to prove and nowhere to go. I am letting go of significance. I am free. I am free. I am free."

Our fears are a natural outcome of our evolutionary process of Survival and are hard-wired in our brain. Denying them only pushes them deep underground where they fester to create disease at the level of the physical body and no experience of fulfilling happiness. The only way for growth to happen is to give yourself the permission to experience all your fears. In that acknowledgement, they lose their power. In fully embracing them and welcoming them, they lose their power over us and finally let us be; leaving us to experience expansive authenticity, freedom and joy. Nothing has power over us any more. In expressing and embracing all my fears through the process of journaling, I made a much bigger difference to my client than I could have otherwise; because I was no longer in my way of serving. Fear of not creating no longer cripples me in taking action in alignment with my highest intentions and impossible unimaginable dreams, personally and professionally. Are those fears gone forever? Not really. That is the design - fears will come; and they will go when I stand back and observe. I am not my fears, I have fears. Our default response is to cringe away from them. Only in embracing our fears, not being judgemental of them and ourselves for having them, of having them experience our acknowledgement of their existence do we give ourselves the gift of freedom.

In sharing my fears with my son, I let go of my fears even more. In experiencing my fears as he read my journal aloud, his body language changed. The hunching of his shoulders got replaced by him standing tall again, his scrunched-up face suddenly lit up as his face relaxed, his breathing became gentler and more rhythmic. I knew he had escaped the clutches of the paper ghost called 'failure' and now he was ready to be on his Hero's journey once again. He was now ready to go in search of his Diamond Medal, available only if you don't win. I gave him a journal to review and reflect on his experience of the tournament by answering the below 5 questions:
1. How am I feeling?
2. What worked well?
3. What could have been better?
4. What are my learnings from here?
5. What actions will I take to implement these learnings?

My heart filled-up reading what he had written, what his Diamond Medal was. It was even more precious than any success I had experienced before. He discovered that he needed to focus on his game and not on the game of others, that being angry at a bad swing came in the way of playing well, that sleeping on time and getting up on time on a daily basis will ensure he is not lethargic during early mornings of the tournament days, that eating food and exercising would help him to have more energy to play, and that he needed to practise so much more for his craft mastery. This humbling acknowledgement after his self-inquiry had much greater impact on him, than all the directives I had been giving him telling him what he should or should not do. After this bit of work, he immediately came home to himself - totally lit up, full of energy & enthusiasm and joyous love & passion for the sport; ready to play another tournament, the loss no longer sucking his blood like a leech. Interestingly, all body aches and tiredness vanished. In sharp contrast, my older one moved around like a wounded soldier - lifeless, tired, exhausted with aches in the head, feet and everywhere else. She processed her emotions by sleeping through. Though, yesterday she told me that she wants to dig out the Diamond Medal too. So, we are off on the search today :-)

There is a reason I shared all of this with you and the reason is for you to answer these questions for greater self-awareness and growth:
1. What did you learn about the design of a human being from this sharing?
2. How will you apply this learning in your life, personally and professionally?
3. How will you lead differently, at work and at home?
4. What will you do differently next time you experience your heart sinking or stomach churning?
5. What are you feeling at the moment?

Keep giving yourself the permission to drop your layers to come home to yourself and embrace your innate greatness. 

Love, Jyoti.